I must admit I was a little skeptical when my adult son raved about the movie Anora. Based in London, he and his film producer fiance see an average of two movies per week, most of them art movies. But really? A film about a sex worker from Brooklyn (named Anora as played by Mikey Madison) caught up with the Russian mob? Sounded a little cliche! Based on his recommendation, however, I found an opportunity to see this movie while it was still in town. I was blown away! It is a tender yet fast paced movie; part comedy and part drama providing a window into the lives of sex-workers and their ability to separate sex from emotion. The movie tells the story of Anora’s impulsive marriage to the young son of a Russian oligarch (who she meets in her brothel) after a drug and alcohol crazed courtship. Once his family finds out about this union, they desperately attempt to annul the marriage. The relationship between Anora and her husband is all lust without any true intimacy, doomed to fail even without the family’s intervention.
I see many couples in my practice who have a difficult time combining emotional intimacy with passion. Such couples may have companionship without sexual relationship, with one or both partners having a secret sexual life. Of course the easy part is to be sexual when couples are falling in love – during this period lust and emotional vulnerability are at their height and work in tandem.
Of course, in romantic movies, we rarely see what happens after the couple settles into a domestic life. Recent studies suggest that couples who have been in long-term relationships do not have to be sexually active with one-another to be happily married. But perhaps this is less than ideal.
Without spoiling the ending of the movie, let me say that it is the final scene of ANORA that will stay with you long after you leave the movie theater. It reveals an emotional break-through for Anora who must learn new ways of relating to men.
For couples struggling with sexual intimacy, I offer these suggestions:
- Check with your doctor to make sure that any medicines you are on do not have sexual side effects. For example, many antidepressants reduce sexual desire and/or impair sexual performance (such as causing delayed orgasm).
- If there is a mismatch in libido between you and your partner (and yes men sometimes have lower libido than their female partners) consider scheduling an erotic date night every week or two. This allows the low libido partner time to “get in the mood” and the high libido partner to feel confident that their needs will be met.
- Educate yourselves about the natural impact of aging on sexuality for men and women.
- Alwayslet your partner know what feels better rather than being critical by voicing what doesn’t feel good.
- For most couples, novelty is key to maintaining sexual passion – using toys, role play and changing position or location are great ways to keep the fires burning.
- Two excellent books on sexuality and coupling are: The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Gionnades and Hot Monogamy by Pat Love