I consider myself very fortunate to have come of age in the 50s and 60s. As a young folk guitarist and aspiring singer-songwriter growing up on the West Side of Manhattan, I took guitar lessons in Greenwich Village. I spent many a day hanging out in Washington Square Park and scouring the latest music publications at the Folklore Center. Of course, one singer’s name stood out among all others during that time – Bob Dylan – and his music and lyrics became an influential backdrop to my adolescence and early adulthood and well as that of my generation!
Watching the new Dylan biopic A Complete Unknown catapulted me back to that pivotal time in my life. The film chronicles four years in Dylan’s life between the time he first came to NYC to meet his childhood hero Woody Guthrie (who was dying from Huntington’s Disease) and the time he totally shook the musical world by going electric at the Newport Folk Festival. Dylan was and continues to be a force to be reckoned with! As famous as he has become, Dylan is careful not to reveal too much about his personal life and his personality remains elusive. Timothee Chalamet does an incredible job playing this enigmatic figure, Elle Fanning plays Dylan’s love interest Suze Rotolo and Monico Barbaro plays the folk icon Joan Baez who also had a love affair with Dylan.
As hugely popular as Dylan became, he was less successful in his romantic life. As the film depicts, he revealed little to his love interests about his origins, making up stories about being in the circus and traveling in a carnival as a teen. He was also vague about what he wanted in life and, in general, very reluctant to reveal an emotional underbelly. Burgeoning fame also took Dylan away from his intimate relationships as he was on the road so much of the time while also being the object of intense public focus.
I believe the film showcases two common themes I see with heterosexual couples. The first is that 21st century women want the men with whom they are involved to be “vulnerable.” Women these days, more than ever, wish for emotional intimacy not just financial security. Men are often confused by this desire as they have been trained since childhood to be tough and not show emotion. I often make the distinction that what women want is for men to be vulnerable with a small not capital v. No one wants to be involved with someone who is always falling apart.
I encourage the men I work with to keep a basic emotional journal that focuses on the five big emotions – sad, glad,mad, bad and afraid. Once they start checking in with themselves this way, they can start getting more granular, breaking down these big emotions into more specific feelings..I also encourage men (and women) to use an App called How We Feel which provides useful prompts for emotional labeling and to begin sharing these emotions with their partners in weekly check-ins. I suggest that women be patient as their mates develop these skills, to view emotional literacy as akin to learning a foreign language. Finally I encourage women to be mindful of the way that men might already be communicating their feelings – through story, innuendo or non-verbal gestures and use this understanding to foster dialogue.
A second parallel between A Complete Unknown and my practice of couple therapy is that many men and women travel alot for work. This lifestyle can lead to emotional disconnection if couples do not prioritize emotional connection. Here I think being thoughtful about checking in while on the road is key – this can be done through Email or short phone calls when possible. Texting is less effective as a way to stay emotionally connected. Making the most of time together when it is available can make up for the moments lost when couples are apart. In this way, “less can be more.” Couples need to understand, however, that being physically present is not the same as being emotionally present. Double screening while watching tv, for example, does not lead to intimacy. True presence is a present which fosters connection during couple time and can offset the difficulties caused by frequent travel.