As readers of this blog know, I like to assign movies to couples in marriage therapy to augment our work. The approach is basically to watch the movie with your partner and set aside at least a half hour afterwards to answer these questions:
- What did you see?
- What did you feel?
- What did you observe (i.e. how did the individuals/couples in the film resolve – or not resolve – their own conflicts?)
- How could you apply this to your own relationship?
When discussing, it is important to know that there are no wrong answers. Cinematherapy is a research backed approach designed to get couples talking about meaningful issues in a relatively safe way. Arguing about the validity of answers is a sure fire way to reduce safety.
Having said all that, I would like to add a warning about watching The Invite – it is a brutally honest, believable film about a couple in a very unhappy marriage. The movie is brilliantly acted and written. Olivia Wilde who stars is also the director. The film has the potential to lead to hours of discussion or conversely hours of silence and fear about one’s own relationship. Couples in tenuous situations might be wise to sit this one out until they are on more stable footing.
There actually are two couples involved in this movie but to speak too much about the second couple would be giving away too much of the plot. Let me just say that the “invite” may have several meanings and that polyamory and pegging are not off the table!
This movie centers around Joe and Angela and what happens when neighbors upstairs are invited to tour their apartment and consume wine and appetizers.
Joe teaches music at a local college in San Francisco and is shown as being totally disengaged from his work. At the end of the day, he struggles to ride home on a bicycle that Angela has gotten him and blames her for buying it for him. He doesn’t seem to consider the fact that he doesn’t need to continue using the bike.
Angela is a stay at home Mom to a “tween” daughter who is having a sleep over that particular night.
Joe and Angela live in Joe’s parents’ former apartment where he was born.
When we first meet Joe and Angela, played by Olivia Wilde and Seth Rogen, they are fully engaged in a “negative interactional feedback loop” characterized by rapid-fire blame and criticism. It would be accurate to assume that each member of the couple feels that they are the victim of the other’s negativity rather than seeing that they are participating and co-creating the negative feedback loop themselves.
Patterns such as this remind me of my favorite family systems metaphor from graduate school, remembered after 40 years:
Two squirrels are chasing each other around a tree. If you “stop action” and take a photograph of them, it is clear that Squirrel A is chasing Squirrel B. However, if you take a photo a second or two later, it appears rather obvious that Squirrel B is chasing Squirrel A. So it is with couples whose arguments devolve into fights– each sees the other as the initiator of the quarrel and themselves as the victim because of where they choose to “stop action.”.
Because neither Angela nor Joe recognize their own participation in the destructive feedback loop, the couple is stuck. This is where the metaphor of the squirrels so aptly applies – both Joe and Angela believe they are the victim of the other’s negativity and don’t take responsibility for their one part…so nothing changes.
The plot centers around an invitation Angela has made to a couple upstairs to have drinks in their apartment without first soliciting her husband’s input. This becomes the source of an immediate disagreement. In the course of their argument about the “invite”, it becomes clear that the wife suffers from anxiety and the husband from depression. These mental health challenges, of course, complicate their relationship. The husband also seems to use marijuana as a release valve for his depression. Other mental health conditions that complicate relationships are substance abuse, bipolar disease, borderline personality disorder,attention deficit disorder and OCD.
Joe and Angela display traits in their relationship consistent with John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. All of these traits predict divorce although they are present to some degree in all relationships and are treatable, particularly if caught early.
John Gottman also writes about healthy relationships having a five to one ratio of positive to negative encounters. With Joe and Angela, it seems that they have a five to one relationship of negative to positive encounters which for most couples is unsustainable over the long term.
What is even more troublesome about Angela and Joe’s relationship is that after Angela asks for a re-set prior to the upstairs couple’s arrival, they immediately start fighting again. This is a sign of an inability to repair. Repairs are an essential part of healing interactional wounds which allow couples to regain connection.
The couple from upstairs, Penelope Cruz (Pena) and Ed Norton (Hawk) have very loud sex at night which infuriates Joe. As we learn, Hawk is a retired fire fighter and Pena is a sex therapist.
I won’t give the plot away other than to say that Pena and Hawk seem to have a healthy relationship and are very vocal about their sexuality.
Couples watching the film might begin their discussion by commenting on what they observed about the “negative feedback loop” between Angela and Joe. With which partner do you identify? What evidence did you observe about the presence of the Four Horsemen? Do you believe Joe and Angela will be able to step out of this destructive interactive loop and if so, how?
Other important takeaways from the film worthy of discussion are the following:
- We are all responsible for our own happiness. Joe’s unhappiness with his job and the fact that he and his wife are living in his parents’ old apartment are not his wife’s problem to solve but his grumpiness proves to be a real damper on their relationship. This illustrates the point that an unhappy mate can be a “drag” on a marriage and that, reciprocally, an unhappy marriage can be a “drag” on a partner’s mental health.
- Similarly, Angela’s anxiety is a source of frustration for Joe. While a good marriage has been shown to have a positive impact on physical and mental health, a bad marriage such as theirs can deepen anxiety and depression. Like many unhappy marriages that I see in my practice, this marriage seems stuck in misery. How might their taking ownership of their own happiness help the marriage?
- There are treatments for anxiety and depression if individuals will avail themselves of these treatments. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Awareness and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are particularly effective treatment approaches. Pharmacotherapeutic solutions, however, need to be approached with care – these meds should be used short-term and individuals should be aware of their side effects, particularly anti-depressants which can suppress sexual desire. However, neither Angela or Joe seem motivated to take responsibility for their own mental health problems. Do you think they should seek outside treatment? Are there mental health issues in your own relationship? If so, how have you handled these?
- While it is tempting to “switch horses in midstream” and seek a divorce, such a decision is painful for both partners and their children at any stage of life. While Angela and Joe’s current relationship may be D.O.A, the movie suggests that we all have choices in any situation. The movie makes a brilliant point that one can either have the same relationship with a new partner (individuals tend to repeat their negative styles in any new relationship) or a new relationship with a current partner. Do you see evidence in this movie that Joe and Angela would basically repeat their same patterns in a new relationship?
- Another powerful dynamic illustrated in the movie is how desperate partners are to be seen, heard and validated by their partners. This insight dovetails nicely with principles associated with attachment theory as popularized by Drs. Sue Johnson and Julie Menanno. How does Angela seem to flourish when she is “seen” by Hawk? Do you feel seen in your marriage? Why is this important? How do you respond when you are not seen?
- A final set of questions that couples can discuss after watching the movie has to do with sexual practices. Many are mentioned and it could be a good conversation to have about your perspectives on different variations of sexuality.. Here again, however, it is essential to reserve judgment. “That’s disgusting” is unlikely to lead to open dialogues. Other related discussion questions might include the following: how important is sex in relationships? What factors inhibit sexual connection in long-term relationships? How might these be overcome? Is it possible to be happy in a sexless relationship?
The most important take away for me from this movie is that we all have the freedom to choose. What do you choose for your relationship? What can you do on your own to improve the dynamic between you and your partner? What steps can you take to improve your own level of happiness?
Increasingly in my clinical work, I find the most important question to ask clients is; Who do you want to be in the situation in which you find yourself? What are your values? Do you live your life in accordance with your values?
While relationships take two to tango, it only takes one to begin the process of healing a broken world.
Author’s Notes
Multiple layers of meaning in title
A tough movie to watch if you are unhappily married
Seth is unhappy with himself and this carries over into the relationship
We are responsible for our own happiness
A good marriage is good for health, a bad marriage is not
However you can either have the same relationship with a new person or a new relationship with the current relationship
Choice
Opening we see heaps of mutual criticism and at time contempt
Both blame the other for their unhappiness
Wife needs desperately to be seen – comes alive when she is appreciated and seen
Five to one ratio in the wrong way
And husband needs to feel wanted
She has anxiety disorder (panic, GAD) and he has depression
Sexual stalemate
Hear sex upstairs
How to keep it new – group sex?
Opening up about fantasies
Movie encourages and is accepting of anal sex (giving and taking)
Misleading to suggest that non sexual marriages are dead – it can be OK if both are OK with it